What a nice dream, I thought. Face to face with a beautiful woman—in bed. Her blonde hair glowed, backlit by the morning sun.

“You promised me a picnic today, and it’s nearly 11:00.”

Wait. I knew this woman. It was Debra—from high school. I had a huge crush on her, but I never asked her out. Too shy. Then I noticed her wedding ring. I glanced at my left hand. Yes! Matching rings.

She placed her soft hand on my shoulder and smiled. “Last night was wonderful.”

Oh, my God. We had made love last night? I tried to remember it. How could I forget it?! Don’t overreact, I thought. Be cool. Don’t wake yourself up. This is too good. “Yes, it was, Baby. Fantastic.”

“Well, let’s get going. We can pack the lunch together. It’ll be fun.”

Great, I thought. I’m all in. But my body felt heavy. I couldn’t move. My eyes began to close.

“Honey?”

I couldn’t help it. I was falling asleep. No! I don’t want to…

I have no idea how long I was asleep. But when I felt myself waking up, I began to get excited. The picnic. With my beautiful wife, Debra. My eyes were open, but everything looked blurry.

“Finally. I thought you’d never wake up.”

Debra’s voice sounded funny—like she suddenly got a bad cold. When my vision cleared, I was shocked to see—a man. A bum in ragged clothing lying in bed with me. All at once I inhaled his rancid breath, and recoiled in disgust. “Who are you? And where’s Debra?”

“Great. Now you don’t even know my name. We’ve been together for nearly a year, and you don’t even know who I am. That’s pathetic, man.”

I wanted to kick him out of my bed. Or find a pistol or call the police. But I couldn’t do any of those things. I couldn’t move. And my eyes were closing.

The next time, I was afraid to open my eyes. But the sweet fragrance in the air gave me hope.

“Hey, Baby. You’re not trying to back out on our picnic, are you?”

My eyes popped open. There she was. Just as before. “Of course, not, Sweetie.” This time I would not fall back to sleep. I hopped out of bed. “I’m ready to go.”

“Okay. But you might want to get dressed first.”

“Right.”

“It’s gonna be a perfect day,” she said.

“Yes, it is.” I walked into the bathroom, so happy to be awake. To be walking around. I was good now. And this was not a dream. It was real. What a life.

Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked kinda funny. My skin looked soft. I rubbed my hand across my face. Why was it so smooth? Where were my morning whiskers? And when had I let my hair grow so long?

I turned on the light to get a better look. I had breasts! “No!”

“What’s the matter, Honey?”

“I’m a woman!”

“And you just now realized it?”

I don’t know whether I fell back to sleep or fainted. But I awoke to something hitting the bottom of my foot. The bottom of my shoe. Why was I wearing shoes in bed?

Then I realized I wasn’t in bed. I was lying in an alley next to a dumpster.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a handful of crumpled bills. The man bent down and took the money out of my hand, and replaced it with a small baggie. I held it up to my eyes. Drugs?

Was this my real life? Sleeping on cold concrete in a stinky alley with my fellow druggies? No wife, no home, no bed?

The man grinned at me. “Enjoy.”

“No!” I threw the baggie at him. “Get away from me!”

Suddenly, my body was sucked up into a tornado, and then abruptly spit out. At least that’s what it felt like. I was dizzy, disoriented.

The young guy leaned in. “Be cool, man. No problem.” He put the baggie into his jacket pocket and walked away.

I looked around and thought, what is this place? My head began to clear. It was my high school prom. Wait. Now it was coming back to me. Earlier that night I had taken some pills. I got them from that guy—the one who just offered me the baggie. Some of the cool guys were doing it, so I thought, why not? How stupid. I decided it was time for me to go home.

I turned around and bumped into a girl, causing her to spill her glass of punch. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she said, checking her dress. “I don’t think any of it got on me.”

When she looked up, I got a lump in my throat. It was Debra. I felt my face turn red.

She put her hand on my arm and smiled at me. “Really. It’s okay.”

It was now or never. “Hey…you want to…”

“…dance?”

What I was doing? Every kid in the room was probably watching—seeing me make a fool of myself.

“Sure,” she said.

And that one word changed my life forever.

**********

“Wake up, Sleepyhead.”

I opened my eyes to see my beautiful wife, Debra, lying in bed with me.

“You promised me a picnic today.”

Five years ago I dreamed this scene. It was exactly like this.

I grinned. “And a picnic you shall have, Baby.”

**********

I thought about my wonderful life with Debra, and how things could have easily turned out so differently. And then I wrote this little poem for you:

Right now, your happiness, it seems,
Is only found in your sweetest dreams;
But whether they will ever come true
Just might, my friend, be up to you.

THE END

What a chump he was. Phil had paid fifty bucks to be stripped naked, tied to the bedposts, and—nothing!

How was he going to get himself untied?

Then he heard the front door open. Sure—she’d probably gone out to her car for some equipment. A whip or something. He’d never tried that, but he was certainly open to experimentation. “Where did you go, Honey? I missed you.”

He watched the doorway for his sexy, young hooker. But instead, his business partner appeared.

“Ed. What the hell are you doing here?”

Ed grinned. “Having a little fun, Phil?”

“I don’t want you here tonight.”

“I can see that.” Ed continued to grin at Phil as he studied his old buddy’s out of shape body.

“What are you looking at? You’re fatter than me!”

“Why did you do it, Phil? I trusted you.”

“What are you talking about? What did I do? Steal your hooker?”

“I don’t need hookers, Phil.”

“Of course not. You’ve got a gorgeous young bride—half your age.”

“Yes, I do.”

“But when’s the last time you—”

“—shut up, Phil. Just shut your stinking mouth!”

“The truth hurts, don’t it?”

“You stole from me, Phil. You’ve been robbing me blind.”

“What?!”

“Don’t deny it, man. You’ve been cooking the books. Did you think I’d never notice?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Just this year alone you’ve stolen $40,000.”

“What!? Are you out of your mind, Ed? Look around. Does it look like I’ve got any extra money?”

“Probably spent it on gambling—or hookers.”

“You know I don’t gamble. And I’ve never hired a hooker before. Not until tonight. In fact, she approached me—at the bar. Wait—that was you, wasn’t it? You paid her to set me up—to come here and tie me up like this.”

“And you fell for it, you idiot.” Ed chuckled.

“Fine. I’m an idiot. But I didn’t steal any money. I would never do that.”

“Right, Phil. I believe you,” he said facetiously.

“Have you talked to your dear wife about this?”

“Oh, so now you’re gonna try to shift the blame to Rachel? How dare you!”

“Did you even ask her about it?”

“No. Of course not.”

“Why not? She’s the bookkeeper. It would be easy for her to manipulate the numbers.”

“If you say another word about Rachel—”

“—what? You’re gonna kill me?”

Ed stared at him, but didn’t speak a word. This made Phil nervous.

Finally, Ed said, “You need to take better care of your yard, Phil.”

Phil was confused by the sudden change of subject.

“Fire ants are overtaking your entire yard. They’ve built a huge mound against your bedroom wall. Right about there,” he said, pointing.

“So?”

“Fire ants can be deadly, Phil. Did you know that?”

“I know it hurts when they sting you.” He would play along with Ed’s crazy line of thought. Hopefully, Ed would get bored after a while, and untie him.

“Yeah. Did you know that when a calf is born, if a fire ant stings him while he’s on the ground and he doesn’t get up right away, he could be a goner?”

“You’re kidding.”

“No. I read about it. When that one fire ant stings the calf, it gives off pheromones that attract the rest of the colony. In no time at all, the calf is completely covered with ants. And those hundreds of stings eventually overpower the poor animal’s immune system.”

“You read too much, Ed. Now, untie me.”

“Fire ants are very resourceful, Phil. Did you know that if it floods, the ants band together to form a raft?”

“You’re making this stuff up.”

“No. It’s true. And the raft carries the queen ant to safety. It’s amazing.”

“Yeah, Ed. Amazing. Now, come on.”

“You know, I’ll bet that colony of ants right there outside this wall could easily make its way inside if it had a good reason.” He walked out of the room.

“Where are you going? Come on, Ed, you’ve had your fun. Untie me.”

Ed walked back in, carrying a five-gallon bucket. He removed the lid and began to sprinkle its contents near the wall. “What we need is a nice little trail.”

“What is that?” Phil was afraid to hear the answer.

“Why, it’s fire ants, of course,” he said with delight, as he continued to create a trail of dirt and fire ants across the floor and onto the bed.

“Stop it! Stop it, Ed! Okay, okay! I’ll admit to whatever you want! Yes, I stole the money! It was me—so call the police!”

“Too late for that, Phil.” He poured the remainder of the dirt and ants on top of Phil’s bare crotch.

“No! No!” Phil began to thrust his midsection up and down, sending much of the dirt into the air.

Ed jumped back to avoid the airborne ants. “It’s no use, Phil.”

“Please! Ouch! They’re biting me! Please cut me loose!”

Ed calmly put the lid back on the top of the bucket and walked out of the room with it, as his former friend began to scream. There were no other homes close by. Nobody would hear.

He walked out of the house and down the sidewalk toward his car. Would he get away with it? Probably. The small town sheriff was a good friend. And Phil had no family.

Ed’s only contact with the hooker had been via throwaway cell phone and two hundred in cash, left in Phil’s mailbox.

Ed smiled. It had been so easy.

The one thing he had not anticipated was the bullet. The one that caught his left temple.

Ed fell to the ground, bleeding. But he didn’t die immediately. He lay paralyzed, head resting on a large mound of soft dirt.

No, he thought. It couldn’t be. Please, no!

An angry fire ant stung his lip. The pain was excruciating. But worse than that was the realization that hundreds, if not thousands, of ants would soon attack his nose, his eyelids, his ears—everything!

And as he died in agony, he understood. His old buddy had not betrayed him.

Rachel! How could you?!

THE END